*~*~*Reflections*~*~*

I've been awake all night thinking of that. Again. I didn't even read everything written on that blog coz the more I read, the more I realize that I know nothing about her. Nothing. She seems so distant that I can't recognize her anymore. And so it goes, like summer into fall... I'm trying to divert my attention to other things but I'm having a hard time doing that. Geez, I'm trying to answer NCLEX questions. Maybe it's really the time to let go of certain things in the past. I know I should've done this sooner. Maybe I presume too much. I already talked to Ryzhen about it. She called me up, probably sensing my negative chakra. Amazing huh? She said that nothing has changed on her side. Comforting thought... heh. She probably means what she said. I wish I could let myself believe once again. I wish. I miss her. I miss the old times. But I have to accept the fact that things aren't the way they used to be... That the only permanent thing in the world is change. It's just too bad that even friendship changes. Maybe it's true that they had moved on. I guess I should do too. You know, I've never felt THIS lonely and empty before. I thought that what happened between us before would never happen again. But it did. ANd for the second time, you betrayed my trust. How can I bring myself to trust you again? Only to be broken once again? Tell me. All the while, I thought you're busy with school and stuff. Maybe you were, partly. Heh. But eventhough you were, I always try to reach out and adjust. You practically know everyone I do. Even my classmates, groupmates, profs... everyone. While I know none of yours. None. I might as well be an imaginary friend.

If anyone asks me "how are you?", "are you okay?", "everything fine?"... well, the answer is definitely "NO." I'm not. I may hide in smiles and sunshine but deep inside, I am not happy. I am masking the most hurting heart. I've been always good at it. But even my mask betrays what I truly feel. So much for the promise we made. Maybe I should reconsider having my own life as well. Ryzhen asked me about what I wanted to do after I graduate. Funny. I don't know what to say. It would've been an easy question if she had asked that earlier. I would've mentioned the promise. A silent tear was my only reply. Good, because she was too elated to notice. I had done everything for you guys. Everything. I don't expect you to do the same. But I certainly do not want betrayal either. It seems that everything I had done was for no good at all. And now I feel like it was useless and full of empty promises. Maybe it's true that in this world, you only have yourself to rely on. Everything and everyone passes you by. That even friends, in the end, would leave you behind. You just did. So now, I chose to be distant to anyone. Again, I close myself to my own secluded world. We can be friends, we can be close... but we can never be the same again...